I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
