I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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