so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
