i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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