Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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