I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
