Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
