she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
