i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
