I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
