Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
