There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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