I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
