I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
