at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
