hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
