i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
