This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
