did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
