Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
