All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
