I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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