Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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