I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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