i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
