I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
