Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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