I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
