I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
