Please don't use social media to get back at me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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