Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
