I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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