Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
