my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize