I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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