Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
