she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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