I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
