there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
