I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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