why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
