Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
