I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
