don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
