So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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