I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize