Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize