i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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