Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
