If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
