I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
