i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
