I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
