Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
