I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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