Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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