It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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