Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you never un-have a 4some
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
