she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
