I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
