my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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