I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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